Somebody get me a tampon, I'm having a meltdown

I dunno I am having this massive fucking meltdown in my head basically, some to which I know you all wont care about, or probably even read this and truly understand.

I really am not a shitty, asshole fuckwad that a lot of you guys think or feel I am.

All I ever really want and have ever wanted is to be truly appreciated and admired. I just want recognition…

I just dont get it, theres so many things floating in my head and it confuses the friggin crap out of me.

theres so many things that bum me out about this whole thing, people tell me I should take a break, In a way I feel like I should.

I work so damn hard, like literally non stop. I wake up and go to work from 9-6 and do about 2-3 shirts a day, some of my worst work to be honest. I hate the work I do at equal vision, every once in a while I’ll do something awesome and then it just goes to shit ville.

then I go home and I freelance all night (usually) until 12, getting anywhere from another design or 2 done. Then theres EZ stuff thats been friggin mega stressing me. Deadlines and getting those little extras in… wondering if Im going to make it on time, and I have to show some sort of sneak peek, for people to get excited to motivate me to keep going…

and seeing all these other companies that kids are freaking out about, who charge ungodly amounts. I know how much a shirt costs, I know how it works and people still pay it. I just dont believe in it. There’s no way I could charge 30-40 bucks for a shirt, but guess what it comes with (insert random goodie)

It’s like going to chuck e. cheese for fucks sake. You spend all this money on tokens to win tickets to cash it in for a stupid boomerang, a foam airplane and a couple neon bracelets from 5th grade but in reality, you paid way more for it, but its okay it’s a goodie

I look at everything as how would I want to be treated. Ok heres a shirt for 18 bucks, I made more than my money back and someone got a cool shirt and some pins and stickers with their order. There was even a point where I was selling a shirt that cost me 7-8 bucks for 5 bucks because I wanted people to go, electric zombie is awesome.

I don’t get how companies charge what they do…

Thats one form of recognition I hope to achieve, and I hope that kids who buy my shirts feel and think what I do.

I know people must think that I walk around all high and mighty and think im this hot shot. But I really dont, seriously I dont. In an aspect of me working so hard and being able to pull off different styles and go this long (until now) of having some kind of creative and mental fizz.

It sucks to not have any friends. Its true I dont, maybe I deserve it. But the common every day things dont really make me happy, designing does. I feel like if I keep working hard,I’ll making some sort of difference or hoping to inspire someone, to work as hard or to try as hard or just to look at one of my pieces and go wow thats fucking great.

Theres just so many things that make me just want to give up. From people talking about charging or getting 300, 500, 600 bucks for designs. Seriously, I MEAN seriously?!

I’ll be straight up, I get anywhere from 150-400 on shirt designs, I take what I get, I either sell you the design or I dont, someone will buy it. But just knowing that if it were true that people are paying that. That makes me want to give up. The merch world is so fucked I feel like thats what I (or we designers) should be getting but in reality, we dont or at least I wont…

theres such a double edged sword with this. On one hand you can take the whatever amount, or you can work a shitty job and make at the lowest (for me) 150 in the span of 2 days if not more.

But on the other hand, these jobs I get paid 150 for, are flying off the fucking shelves at merch now. I mean outrageous. I look at the site at the best sellers and 90% of them are my designs. I go to hot topic and I see that 60% of the wall is my designs…
Sure its cool to see that, but no one knows I’m the person behind all of that. Every body banks, from the bands, to the managers, to hot topics and all of that, and then here’s my check (insert amount) that i’ll probably be emailing you about after 47 days of looking in my mail box to find nothing

Theres a difference between be appreciated and being taken advantage of… me being a machine, and working so hard and seeing all these designers saying they are getting that much. Always having to babysit bands for money, always wondering when im gonna get paid, or when theyre gonna get back to me with approval, changes, rejections, My heads gonna pop…

and when it really comes down to it all I really want is a good job or a thanks… and lately I feel like I’m not really getting anything from money, to a pat on the back, its just massive stress day in and day out and all this hard work really isnt worth it, and its seemingly not really paying off….

/endddd rannttt